Verbal Intimacy Mastery
You’re not going to believe this but,
It just dawned on me that I haven’t given you any blueprint or guide on how to communicate with your partner effectively.
For someone who preaches about engaging in effective communication all day, I have not taken the time to share the secret of how to go about the entire process.
So here’s an insanely brief but extremely valuable “all you need to know about effective communication and how to use it to boost your romantic relationship” guide.
MY TWO CENTS 🧠
The first point you have to know and remember is that Men and Women communicate primarily for different reasons in their romantic relationships.
Men primarily communicate to know and share facts and information, while women primarily communicate to share their feelings.
A renowned marriage counsellor who I admire and respect has this quote he loves to reiterate during his talks when he’s on tour.
The quote is
Men talk for information while women talk for affection—Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo
Men talk because they have something important to say, while women talk because you are someone they see as important in their lives to talk to.
This is why if a man has nothing he deems as important to say, he’s always quiet, and usually in his head or in front of a screen watching something. Women on the other hand don’t mind talking about anything with their romantic partner.
Talking is one-way women get and increase the level of intimacy they feel with their romantic partner.
Now that you know why men and women talk, the next thing is to know what effective communication is and how to practice it.
Three components make up communication;
-Your words which make up 7%
-Your tone which makes up 38%
-Your body language which makes up 55%
This means that communication is 93% reliant on your tone and body language. A.K.A the messaging.
This then proves the saying;
It’s not what you say, but how you say it that matters — Albert Mehrabian
To engage in effective communication with your partner, when talking, watch the type of words you use, your tone when conveying the message, and your body language when listening to what your partner is saying.
Effective communication is not only one of the core foundations of a healthy, functioning and happy romantic relationship, but it also acts as its sustainer.
No effective communication means no understanding with your partner. No understanding means no trust. No trust means no unity in the relationship. And without unity, there’s no relationship.
Engaging in effective communication is a choice you’re going to have to make every day irrespective of how you feel about your partner or the situation you want to talk about.
THE PLAYBOOK 📕
The goal of engaging in effective communication is to make your romantic partner feel heard and understood.
Here are a couple of ways I recommend you take to achieve this goal;
1. Create a non-hostile environment for effective communication
This is the first step you must take for you and your partner to have any chance of communicating effectively. The 2 key aspects you have to look out for here are timing and location. Choose to talk when both of you are in the right frame of mind and state to do so and in a location that is preferably comfortable and private for the both of you.
2. Embrace Curiosity
Start all talking and listening experiences with your partner with the intent and desire to learn more about what your partner is saying. It involves asking questions, actively listening, and seeking to understand their perspectives and experiences.
3. Use the XYZ sentence framework
This sentence framework is best used when trying to convey hurt feelings to your partner as a result of their actions or decisions.
It goes like this; When you do “x” in situation “y” I feel “z”.
An example: When you ignore me when you come home from work I feel unloved.
This sentence structure helps you take accountability for your feelings, while simultaneously sharing them with your partner without casting any blame or judgement on them.
This sentence framework is easy to use and with enough practice, you will master it.
4. Engage In empathetic listening during conversations
This simply means listening for the felt needs and emotions behind your partner’s words in a non-judgmental way. You can get the guide below if you need a little help.
5. Remember the 3C’s and 4D’s during emotionally charged conversations
I got this framework from Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo, so shout out to him.
For women, when during these types of conversations, avoid;
-Confrontations with our man
- Complaining about your man
-Criticizing your man in any way, shape or form.
While for men avoid;
-Debating with your woman on the semantics of the situation
-Defending yourself or your actions as they just feel unheard and double down on emotionally charging the conversations even more
-Disagreeing with them on the spot as doing this also makes her feel heard by you
-Dismissing what she is saying.
