Why Nice Guys Finish Last
Nice guys! We all like them but don’t want to be them.
Unless you’re living under a rock, you’ve probably heard the famous quote by Leo Durocher that says
Nice guys finish last
The reason this quote has stood the test of time is because it has proven to be true in all areas of human endeavours including romantic relationships.
As someone who used to be a “nice guy,” this week I want to talk about the idea of “niceguyism.” It’s a real word, so no need to search it up!
I’ll share what I did to stop being a people-pleasing nice guy and how I’ve helped my clients do the same in our coaching sessions.
MY TWO CENTS 🧠
The first thing you have to know is that being nice doesn’t always make you good, and not being nice doesn’t automatically make you bad.
I’ve met seemingly “nice people” who are awful human beings. By awful human beings, I mean so fucking terrible I wish I was not sharing the planet with them type of awful. I have also met some good people who were not seemingly “nice people”.
I know we have all either known or met “nice people” who are deceptive and manipulative. We have also either known or met “nice people” who are unkind and selfish. These examples help me prove the first point.
This brings me to the second thing you have to know.
The difference between nice people and good people is their morals and their willingness — or unwillingness in the case of nice guys — to enforce their boundaries.
Good people, whether men or women have clear values that guide their actions. These values are like rules they won’t break, called “non-negotiables.” They use these rules to set boundaries, deciding what they will and won’t accept from people.
When good people stand up for their boundaries, they might not always be nice about it. That’s because they focus on sticking to their principles, not just being pleasant.
But that doesn’t mean good people are never nice. They often do kind things. It’s just that they won’t always stay nice when someone crosses their boundaries.
Now you know this, let’s circle back to nice guys.
What nice guys with good morals and values lack is the inability to place boundaries with women and stick to them. This is the core reason they always finish last.
This single ability is the foundation of the masculine energy all feminine women are attracted to in men.
Nice guys don’t set boundaries because they’re afraid of upsetting or angering the woman they’re with. Ironically, this fear is what pushes away feminine women. Any man who doesn’t have “the cojones” to enforce their boundaries is seen as a weak man in the eyes of not just women but men too.
Security is a primary need for a woman. She sees this type of man — the nice guy — as inadequate because he always comes off as too agreeable. Being overly agreeable also signals a lack of self-confidence. In a woman’s mind, if he — the nice guy” can’t even stand up for himself and enforce his boundaries with them, how can he protect them if or when shit hits the fan?
What women want in a man they are attracted to is a man who is not overly pliable — a man whom they trust to continuously and consistently make good decisions. A man whose excellent decision-making skills and ability to enforce their boundaries is one they can naturally submit to. Sadly nice guys are the very opposite of this type of man.
The only types of women who love nice guys are players, gold diggers and narcissists. Any feminine woman who genuinely wants to have an emotional connection with a man wants to know that her man has balls and a backbone.
YOUR PLAYBOOK 📕
First, understand that your boundaries aren’t meant to control how others behave toward you. They’re meant to guide how you respond to other people’s actions. When setting boundaries there are 3 core things to know;
- Boundaries are all about maintenance. Here is what I mean. You maintain your boundaries by not breaking them based on other people’s feelings.
When people react to your boundaries with emotions like shock, anger, or sadness, it’s often their way of trying to make you bend or remove your limits for them. But don’t give in, no matter who they are. Breaking your boundaries only shows them that you don’t take yourself or your limits seriously. And if you don’t take them seriously, why should they? - The next important thing is to prioritize your boundaries over your feelings. Sometimes, when people break your boundaries they may use words or emotions to make you doubt yourself in these moments. This is when you need to stand firm and enforce your boundaries, even if it feels tough.
Refusing to give in shows that you take your boundaries seriously. Trust me, people will respect you more for this, and you’ll also respect yourself more. This increase in self-respect leads to a healthier self-image and higher self-esteem - The last thing to know about boundaries is that when someone has repeatedly shown you they do not care about your limits A.K.A your boundaries, be willing to walk away immediately.
This last piece of advice is true not just in relationships, but in all other spheres of human endeavour. The person who is not willing to walk away from the negotiation table is already doomed to be at the mercy of those who are. I know walking away is not always going to be easy, this is why it should be used as a last resort when all other options for peaceful dialogue have been exhausted. You can also increase your willingness and ability to be able to walk away by having options/alternatives. To have this you have to be the type of man that has options in not just potential romantic partners but in all other areas of your life too. This will take time, and will come with a shit ton of work, but will be worth it in the end.
